See them the way Jesus did

You probably know at least one person who wants nothing to do with church anymore, and at least one more who never wanted anything to do with it in the first place. Before you can reach either one, you have to see them the way Jesus does — not as a problem to solve, but as someone he already loves.

Who you are actually talking to

Two groups surround almost everyone reading this. The non-religious, who may be deeply spiritual but want nothing to do with organized faith. And the dechurched — people who once belonged and left. Ask why, and the list writes itself: judged for their past, burned by a leader’s hypocrisy or scandal, exhausted by performance, or just quietly unconvinced by what they saw in Christians up close. Some of what they carry is misunderstanding. A lot of it was earned.

The reflex most of us have is to explain it away — “well, that church wasn’t doing it right.” Resist that. Jesus reserved his hardest words for religious insiders and his gentlest presence for the very people they had pushed out.

A person is not a stage in our process

Church culture has a habit of calling people like this “pre-Christian” — as if they were inventory somewhere upstream of the real thing, waiting for us to move them along. Reject that word. A person is not a stage in our process. They are someone Jesus loves right now, before anything about them changes — the way he loved Zacchaeus before Zacchaeus gave anything back.

For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathise with our weaknesses, but one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are, yet without sin. — Hebrews 4:15 (OTB)

Notice what that verse does not say. It does not say Jesus agreed with every choice made by the people he sat with. Empathy is not agreement. It is understanding — and you concede nothing about truth by understanding how someone came to stand where they stand.

The sentence worth practicing

One sentence, said honestly, disarms years of defensiveness faster than any argument: “I’m sorry if Christians have ever made you feel judged. That’s not how Jesus treated people.” It is not an apology for the gospel. It is an honest admission that his people have sometimes represented him badly — which every honest believer already knows is true. Practice it the way you practice your own story, because the moment you need it will be an emotional one, and an unprepared heart defaults to defending the church instead of the person in front of it.

Two questions, then only listen

You do not need a plan for the whole conversation. You need two honest questions — something like “what’s your spiritual background?” or “what gives you hope when life is hard?” — and then you need to actually listen. Don’t correct. Don’t queue up your answer while they’re still talking. Thank them for trusting you with their story.

People can tell within minutes whether you’re interested in them or in converting them, and only one of those earns you the right to open a Bible together later. At this stage, listening is not a warm-up to the ministry. Listening is the ministry.

Recite this

Empathy is not agreement. It is understanding — and it is where the ministry starts.

Try it this week

Think of one person — dechurched or never-churched — you have quietly filed under “them.” Ask them one honest question this week, and only listen to the answer.

I will ask ________________ about their story, before ________________.